Leave The Goddamn Toilet Seat UP

Ladies, this is one of 1,457,287 reasons why you have a hard time keeping a man. You NAG too much over shit that doesn't matter.

Case in point, how many times do you have to bust your man's balls over the fucking toilet seat? Look, if I need to use the toilet I am fully capable of moving the seat up or down depending on what I'm doing. You don't hear me bitching about you leaving it down all the time do you? No! What if I used it, left the seat up and used it again before you did? Guess what, I didn't have to move the seat! Woo hoo! Ladies this is bullshit. If you can't figure out how to move a toilet seat perhaps you should stop driving cars, stay home, make babies, do laundry and keep the house. Maybe put out once in a while. You know, the way women used to be.

Women these days are liberated, enlightened, strong, and able to survive on their own as hard working single moms or even fight in combat. Somehow though, they have yet to acquiesce to the fact that the fucking toilet seat has hinges on it and anyone can move it where they need it. They also can't kill spiders unassisted. You go girl. Go watch that episode of Oprah and buy her next book, then emasculate your man with your incessant nagging and see how fast you are single again. The divorce rate is almost 50%, I wouldn't push it ladies.

To, Two, and Too

Alright kids, here we go again. Not long ago I laid in to you stupid fucks that can't use There Their and They're properly. It's time for an asswhoopin again. Unless you are an illegal immigrant taking your second week of English As A Second Language, you have no fucking reason to be this damn dumb.

To: Used to denote a place, or possession.
Example: On a gift tag it says "To: and From:" the part that says "TO" is where you write the name of who you are giving the gift TO. Can also be used to show where you are going. IE "We are going TO the mall".

Two: A number or quantity greater than one and less than three.
Example: We were so hungry we ordered TWO pizzas.

Too: Represents additional, or more of something.
Example: I like pepperoni on my pizza but I like extra anchovies too.

Don't get me started on tutu you fucks.

Originally Posted late 2006

How to Use There, Their, and They're Properly

In my day job, I receive mass quantities of email. Much of it comes from CEO's, VP's and other "intellectuals" I work with in various industries. However, I want to reach through this fucking monitor and choke the living shit out of people that REPEATEDLY use the three words above improperly. Don't get me started on the people that don't even know how to use sprell chec.

For all you mental midgets out there, I'll break this down for you.

There: Used to represent a place. You should use "there" if you can replace it with "here", and your sentence still makes sense.
Example: The plane crashed right there.

They're: A contraction which can be used in place of "they are".
Example: They're not doing as well since they moved to New York.

Their: An adjective used to show possession.
Example: Their pizzas had pepperoni on them.

Three different words which are not to be used interchangeably. If you are going to try to portray yourself as an intelligent person, please at least try to get these three simple words right. You are hurting my brain.

Originally Posted late 2006

The Truth About Women

Voicemail Etiquette

This is right up there with my pet peeves about driving.

Voicemail use has become so retarded that most of the messages I get everyday range from mumbling, unintelligible muttering to downright enraging stupidity.  Here are the most common types of voicemail messages, categorized Drivel Domain style.

1) "Tolerable" The only kind of message you should ever leave involves the following components ONLY and takes about 10 seconds. Name, number (twice, slowly and clearly) and what the fuck you want.

2) "The Yeller" You know who these people are,  those fucktarts that YELL INTO THE GODDAMN PHONE BECAUSE THEY ARE DRIVING OR SOMETHING. THESE PEOPLE TEND TO LEAVE A 5 MINUTE LONG MESSAGE ABOUT NOTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE USUALLY OTHERWISE DISTRACTED. You know what I do with these messages after 1 second? "Press 7 to delete"

3) "No Reason" If I know you personally enough to have you on my call list, don't leave me this message. "Hey, it's me, call me" If I know the sound of your voice well enough to know who "me" is, you don't need to leave me a message! I'll see the missed call and call you back when I can, don't clog my voicemail with this bullshit.

4) "Ramblin" This is one that I hate so much I can feel a blood vessel in my eyelid twitching as a write this. You people that call me and leave me the following message should be shot straight into the sun aboard a rocket powered by your own hot air. "Yeah hey, It's Bill Schmuck With Widget Corp, I uh .. saw uh... your uh... ad online..... on that uh.... website (wow, you SAW A WEBSITE? nice job dickhole) and .... uh.... I was calling you....   (No shit? you are calling me? really? Is that why my phone rang, and I now have a message from you? BRILLIANT!) and uh.... I uh............ wanted to talk to you about uh..........."

This is where I hit delete. If you can't go more than 2 words without saying "Huh" "duh" or "Ummm", and can't get a decent voicemail to come out,  I don't want to do business with you anyway, and  I damn sure ain't waiting till the end of your 25 minute message to get your number.

Here's an idea, when you leave me a message... HAVE A POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the LISTENER! 

And another thing. This is more phone etiquette  than voicemail etiquette, but let me share something with you. When you call, if I don't answer the first time you call, leave a message if you can comply with type 1 above. DO NOT call back a second time 5 seconds later. Or a third. Or even a fourth. In fact, if you call back within 4 hours I consider that stalking and will file the appropriate paperwork. Because, if you call the first time and I don't answer, it could mean any of the following:

1) I'm busy

2) I don't like you

3) I'm shitting (unlike other people I work with who I hear simultaneously dropping off Lincoln Logs and talking about what to do for dinner, I don't answer when shitting)

4) I'm having sex

5) I don't like you

6) I'm busy, really really busy. Too busy to take your call. I'll call you back if I like you.

Don't call me repeatedly. It just ensures I will really blow you off. Dumbass. I heard the fucking ringer, I just didn't care. Or, one other minor point- my phone is not welded to my head and it's not solar powered. Sometimes it's on the charger, sometimes it's dead, and sometimes I leave it too far away to get to in 4 rings. Fucking deal with it. 

One more thing, if I ignored you in the past (probably because you left me a message like #4 above), and you leave me a shitty message like "Hey Skippy, I HAVE CALLED YOU THREE TIMES now trying to GET A HOLD OF YOU and you won't CALL ME BACK." Guess what? About the time you say you "called three times" in that shitty ass high and mighty tone- I already hit delete again. Indignity will get you nowhere bitch. 

Originally Posted 5.6.07

You Can't Outrun Dingleberries

My wife's dumbass dog. A silly furball, content in it's own ignorance. Case in point: The dingleberry episode.
So I let the dog in the other night and she comes running in with that dumbass slobbermouth grin on her face, but stopping every 2 feet to turn around and try to bite her own ass.

At first I thought she had a bug bite or something, and then I saw IT. The biggest possible dingleberry in the history of DOG. It wasn't even as much a dingleberry as it was a complete 5 pound turd the size of a cantaloupe connected god only knows how far up her ass by about a thousand strands of grass and weeds that she ate the day before when she had an identity crisis and became a goat for 4 hours.  Why did this dog choose to eat weeds? I dunno. Maybe she's giving up chasing birds and squirrels for a more eco-friendly vegan diet. All I can say is it may be eco-friendly but it sure isn't dingleberry friendly.
 
So anyway, upon laying eyes on the turd attached to the turd, I promptly chased her back outside. Since it was bedtime, I was ready to crash out. Courtesy of ex wife #1 I know that you are never to pull on anything sticking out of an animal's ass because you can accidentally pull the animals innards out. (Would that make the innards outards?)  So I decided maybe a dog walk was in order to expedite getting my ass to bed, and the thing attached to the dogs ass unattached. I was hoping the turd would fall off, or the walking would make the dog finish shitting. 

Out into the back alley we go, me watching my step for stray fecal matter, and the dog dragging her ass on the asphalt. Actually what the dog was doing was more like this:

• Take 2 steps and bite at ass  Growl a little for dramatic effect.
• Take 1 step and bark at the imaginary THING behind you that keeps hitting you in the back of the legs. (thanks for the laughs killer)
• Drag ass 20 feet on pavement.
• Repeat.

After about 100 feet of the butt dragging-ass biting- angry barking at things that are attached to your ass hilarity, it finally fell off.  Thank god, because if her barking didn't wake the neighbors soon, my laughter peppered with profanity would.
Seriously dog, fix that shit before you come inside you doofus.

Originally Written 8/5/07

A New Beginning, Again.

I almost gave up on Drivel Domain, having not done a fucking thing with it in over 2 years. When the domain came up to renew, I waited and let it expire... and thought about it. While I thought, the reminder emails kept coming in "HEY JACKASS, YOUR DOMAIN IS EXPIRED" Yeah yeah yeah I know, get off my nuts I'm thinking....

Drivel Domain has been my release, my venting room and one of my closest friends for years. I couldn't let it go. Through thick and thin, 2 marriages and 8 years later I decided to give my personal space on the web a simpler, easier to manage blog format. Why not? All I ever do is bitch anyway. I don't have time anymore to really manage / build a website. This is clean and easy.

Over the next few weeks or months I'll revive old articles while writing new ones, all for the betterment of my ego.

Skippy is back.