Michelle Obama Did NOT Almost Die.

Holy crap did you hear Michelle Obama's plane almost exploded into a fireball of death the other day? I did! Given all the bad press the FAA has been getting, and being a pilot myself I did a little research. The story at most news outlets goes "The airplane carrying the first lady aborted a landing Monday after narrowly avoiding a collision with a 200-ton military cargo jet."

Now THAT sounds sensational. What doesn't sound sensational is the truth which is this. The planes were 3 miles apart instead of the required 5. I'm really amazed she survived being 3 miles away from another plane!  WHOOP. DEE. DOO. If that had been a flight any of us mere mortals were on this never would have made the news. These things happen all the time and I myself have been asked many times to do a go around or a 360 turn for separation. Big deal. Oh wait it's Michelle Obama.... let me rephrase... "OMG she could have been killed!!!!"

Three Funniest Things You Could Buy At Walmart

Last night my brother and I were chatting over a few beers, and I remembered some skit a comedian did about the three funniest / strangest things you could buy at Walmart simultaneously. Presumably the idea is to get a WTF look from the cashier and perhaps others. So we got to bouncing ideas around and here are the results...

• shotgun shells, condoms, and bbq sauce.
• Beano, Clown Make-up, and Captain Crunch.
• a car tire, a pregnancy test kit, goat cheese
• Trash bags, baby socks, and a map of Ohio
• Pigs feet, a blank greeting card, and monostat 7
• Incense, a bike pump, and a dvd of Saved by the Bell
• olives, ky jelly, and pickled eggs
• a goldfish, a wiffle ball bat, and an oil change
• Nair, A baseball cap, a chainsaw
• a youth athletic cup, starting fluid, beef jerky
• Playdough, a size triple D bra, an GI Joe action figure
• a hotwheels car, a ziplock bag, and warming lubricant
• WD-40, condoms, frozen burritos
• tinsel, celery, canned cat food
• an engagement ring, a BB gun, frozen shrimp
• ground beef, "Get well" card, new car scent spray.
• fishing pole, shampoo, an enquirer
• Catfish stink bait, Quart of motor oil, Gerber baby food peas in a jar
• Diapers, Car battery, Lawnmower
• Bikini, Weed eater, spray tan
• Pregnancy Test, Champagne, Wire Coat Hangers
• an ax, a book on how to save your marriage, and a shovel

From The No Shit Department- Auction Hunters On Spike Is FAKE.

I have watched a few episodes and though I'm new to the storage auction world, after a couple marriages, owning several businesses, and 35 years on this mud ball called earth I can smell shit a mile away, 97.4% of the time.

You, gentlemen, smell of SHIT. 

Why do they smell of shit you ask? Read on.

1. They always find gold. Not the element gold per se, but they pay $1 for a locker with $10,000 worth of shit in it. ALWAYS. I smell a setup or two.
2. Using a plasma torch to open a safe? REALLY? And they thought there was a gun in there to begin with! Anyone out there want to share with the class what ammunition does when it gets too warm......? Anyone......? IT FUCKING BLOWS UP! How the hell was that a good plan? It would have been a tad safer to employ the services of a skilled locksmith.
3. What do they do with ALL of the stuff? We only see them sell 1 or 2 gems per unit. They never even mention cleaning the units out or anything about the reality of the business.
4. They took a $650 truck with more waves in the body work than a fat girl's ass, did almost zero prep work, painted it with a broom, DIDN'T FIX THE ENGINE like they said they did and sold it for $6,000? Holy shit I'm in the wrong business. That truck was worth maybe $1,000.

NICE DIMPLY PAINT!

Here is the #1 reason why I say the show is fake. How the hell can you drive a truck with an inoperative cooling system home? Further, why the hell would you pay $6,000 for it?!!!??? This pic below was taken from the end of the show when the "buyer" (read that as "paid actor") opened the hood. I know the hose was off in the beginning too, but this was at the end when the buyer was inspecting the truck. 

Beyond all that, the main “character”, Allen comes off as an arrogant asshole. Just watching how he acts when he's selling something reeks of used car salesmanship and that whole “I'm smarter than you” attitude sucks.

There is no pot of gold at the end of the auction rainbow, only the smell of leprechaun farts and a hint of victory for a few hard working people who kicked the leprechaun's ass. This show is doing this whole industry a disservice and I feel pity for people who think this is a real goldmine full of easy money then want to go do it themselves. If you are really interested in this business, go get a reality check from Glendon Cameron at www.urbanpackrat.com.

Jesse James, Please Get Back To Business!

Seriously dude. What happened? It's been years since you did shit on TV worth anything. "Monster Garage" rocked, "WCC" (Whatever that show was called) rocked...unfortunately "Jesse James Is a Dead Man" was very predictable...but I digress... you are highly capable of GOOD TV...

So, what's with this Sandra Bullock thing..?

this Michelle "Bombshell" McGee fling...?

This Kat Von D fling....?

Man pull your shit together bro, you are making every man alive look bad and that dumbass look on your face in most press pics has got to go. Man up and build me a california emissions compliant chopper with a biodegradable wrapper on a show that you had weeks to produce but is so heavily edited it appears to have an unreasonably short time line to accomplish such a feat. Douche. Talk about a short drive down self-destruction highway.

The SMART car isn't.

I saw one on the road again this morning. I gotta say, every time I see one a few things run through my head:

• How fucking hard do you have to pedal that thing?
• How many hamsters would it take to power it properly?
• If it ran on "AA" batteries could I get by with a single 4 pack for the trip to work?
• Would a good tailwind propel it?
• If two people were inside, could they stick oars out the windows for propulsion and ride it like a canoe?
• Is it really worth looking THAT much like a douche to save gas?
• Can you keep your wallet in your pocket when you get in, or do you have to remove it to squeeze inside the car?

I just want to ram one so I can see how many times it will flip over from 70 mph before bursting into flames. I figure there has to be some redeeming value to these shitboxes and exploding in comic fashion may just be as good as anything.

What a SMART car owner thinks it looks like:

What everyone else thinks it looks like:

Bert From Sesame Street Is NOT Gay, You Homos!

I cannot believe how fast the gay community latches on to something as innocuous as a recent tweet from “Bert” saying: Ever notice how similar my hair is to Mr. T’s? The only difference is mine is a little more ‘mo,’ a little less ‘hawk.’

Apparently in the gay community “MO” is short or slang for “Homo” and some gay pop culture sites went ape shit and took Bert’s tweet as a secret coded message to the homos. Jesus Christ, give a homo an inch and they imagine a mile. 

A spokesperson for Sesame Street told Fox News that the writer meant nothing by it other than coming up with a fun way to shorten the word Mohawk, referring to Bert’s diminutive amount of hair.

Being gay must be like buying a new car. When you get that shiny new yellow VW Beetle and then all of a sudden, you notice the yellow Beetles that seem to be multiplying everywhere. That is the only comparison I can come up with that makes any send of this entire deal. Gay people find the word “Mo” in a Tweet from a Sesame Street Character and assume he’s gay….because that’s what they are looking for everywhere to justify or validate themselves.  This is fucking retarded. Why are they even paying attention to Bert?

Besides that how many homos run around with a haircut like Bert's?  Bert said it was “more mo”. Do you gays think he is representative of your kind? Bert is a puppet made of felt with no genitals… hey that actually sounds like some of you homos after all!

Attention homos. IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!!! I don't care what you do or who you do it with. Stop being retarded.

A Few Words To My Bosses About email And Ineptitude

Email is used to COMMUNICATE.

As such, when I send you fuckers one, please read THE WHOLE EMAIL and THEN reply. Replying after reading the first two lines, and missing 18 other items starts a ripple effect of never-ending emails to accomplish what should have been done in 1 email. Then the next thing you know, someone gets so bent they piss in the coffee maker, or they need therapy. Guess which one was me this week.

 Boss Hogg has no idea what email even is.

I swear to god I have no idea how these people made it to upper management that cannot digest an entire email full of important questions, then answer them all in one reply.  I have taken to sending 1 question per email, at least 20 minutes apart so I don't have to deal with re-sending the first email and asking the same questions over and over.

SLOW DOWN AND FUCKING READ! What's the goddamn point of email if I have to ask the same shit 7 times before I get an answer? You guys talk about how busy you are, well, you are creating that monster in your inbox all by yourself.

WARNING- Don't Use Your iPOD Software To Navigate Your Airplane.

Seriously, did I have to fucking tell you that?

I'm not even shitting you. I bought an ipod this week and the user agreement / license  had me laughing my ass off.  Yes, fuckhead I actually read those 4,000 page bullshit agreements because you never know when they might slip a little "we own your soul and will be connecting our computer to yours permanently to use it as a host for illicit activities." clause in there.

Most of this one was the usual bullshit. "we make no warranty expressed or implied....merchantability or fitness of purpose... blah blah blah."

Then came the part that made me snort beer out my nostrils. (Damn that stings)

THE iPOD SOFTWARE AND iPOD SOFTWARE UPDATES ARE NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES...

I really want to know what caused this disclaimer to be needed. Was Homer Simpson on duty one day, bored out of his mind and thought that if he used that shitty iTUNES software to control the core temperature of the reactor it might pulsate to the beat of the nearest Bob Marley tune? What. The. Fuck.  This is akin to buying a blender and having a disclaimer on it that reads "Warning this blender will not shingle your doghouse with pancakes. However, if you were driving your boat down the road and all four wheels fell off, what would you do for a Klondike bar?"

It gets better:

...AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS

Seriously. The first time I board an Airbus A-320 that says "This flight deck software  by iTUNES" on the side I think I will leap from the jetway to my death and save myself from the inevitable slow spiral to the ground  that is bound to ensue as soon as some asshole turns on his cellphone. As soon as Apple and Microsoft can make software for a home computer that wont crash and has 100% reliability and quadruple redundancy, we can talk about life and death applications. Speaking of death....

LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE iPOD SOFTWARE OR iPOD SOFTWARE UPDATES COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.

What team of lawyers got paid to write this disclaimer? Honestly. Who had to sit around and think of every ridiculous way someone could try and use this software? If I'm on life support, trust me it won't say "POWERED BY ITUNES"  Coors maybe...

What the fuck kind of overly litigious society do we live in where Apple has to tell people not to use a tiny piece of software to run life support equipment or fly a plane. This is beyond ludicrous.

Originally Posted  6-17-07

No More Crying In The Workplace

I want crying in the workplace to be like sexual harassment, Illegal. It has no place at work.
 

I have worked with women almost everywhere I have ever been employed. And similarly, everywhere I have worked I have seen a woman cry about her job for one reason or another. Look ladies, you want to be in jobs that are dominated by men, you need to "man up" a bit. Grow some balls. Take what you get. Buck up. Whatever other euphemism you can think to apply here, do that too.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. If you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen, and if you can't work somewhere without crying when you have to be "talked to" then find a job at a beauty salon or spa where you can sit around with all your little bitch friends and natterknob all day about how evil men are.

 It's sickening to see a grown 45 year old woman cry over getting written up for poor job performance. If you can't take it either step up your game and do your damn job right or get out and find something new.

This article inspired by a woman I had to fire because she chose friendship (read that as, fucking) with a co worker over the good of the company and almost cost us $80,000 in losses that she chose to try and cover up to save HIM. See, men aren't the only ones that think with their sex organs. In the end they both got fired, one for being stupid, and one for attempting to cover up the stupid. Which was very stupid. 

Leave The Goddamn Toilet Seat UP

Ladies, this is one of 1,457,287 reasons why you have a hard time keeping a man. You NAG too much over shit that doesn't matter.

Case in point, how many times do you have to bust your man's balls over the fucking toilet seat? Look, if I need to use the toilet I am fully capable of moving the seat up or down depending on what I'm doing. You don't hear me bitching about you leaving it down all the time do you? No! What if I used it, left the seat up and used it again before you did? Guess what, I didn't have to move the seat! Woo hoo! Ladies this is bullshit. If you can't figure out how to move a toilet seat perhaps you should stop driving cars, stay home, make babies, do laundry and keep the house. Maybe put out once in a while. You know, the way women used to be.

Women these days are liberated, enlightened, strong, and able to survive on their own as hard working single moms or even fight in combat. Somehow though, they have yet to acquiesce to the fact that the fucking toilet seat has hinges on it and anyone can move it where they need it. They also can't kill spiders unassisted. You go girl. Go watch that episode of Oprah and buy her next book, then emasculate your man with your incessant nagging and see how fast you are single again. The divorce rate is almost 50%, I wouldn't push it ladies.

To, Two, and Too

Alright kids, here we go again. Not long ago I laid in to you stupid fucks that can't use There Their and They're properly. It's time for an asswhoopin again. Unless you are an illegal immigrant taking your second week of English As A Second Language, you have no fucking reason to be this damn dumb.

To: Used to denote a place, or possession.
Example: On a gift tag it says "To: and From:" the part that says "TO" is where you write the name of who you are giving the gift TO. Can also be used to show where you are going. IE "We are going TO the mall".

Two: A number or quantity greater than one and less than three.
Example: We were so hungry we ordered TWO pizzas.

Too: Represents additional, or more of something.
Example: I like pepperoni on my pizza but I like extra anchovies too.

Don't get me started on tutu you fucks.

Originally Posted late 2006

How to Use There, Their, and They're Properly

In my day job, I receive mass quantities of email. Much of it comes from CEO's, VP's and other "intellectuals" I work with in various industries. However, I want to reach through this fucking monitor and choke the living shit out of people that REPEATEDLY use the three words above improperly. Don't get me started on the people that don't even know how to use sprell chec.

For all you mental midgets out there, I'll break this down for you.

There: Used to represent a place. You should use "there" if you can replace it with "here", and your sentence still makes sense.
Example: The plane crashed right there.

They're: A contraction which can be used in place of "they are".
Example: They're not doing as well since they moved to New York.

Their: An adjective used to show possession.
Example: Their pizzas had pepperoni on them.

Three different words which are not to be used interchangeably. If you are going to try to portray yourself as an intelligent person, please at least try to get these three simple words right. You are hurting my brain.

Originally Posted late 2006

The Truth About Women