Porn Star Megan Piper Was Going to Prom!

In the last few weeks the interwebs has been all aflutter with talk of some nerdy 18 year old kid named Mike Stone who through the magic of Twitter managed to get the attention of a porn star named Megan Piper. Piper surprisingly then agreed to go to prom with him if he could pay her $400 airfare. I guess films like "Every Last Drop" don't pay what one would think that type of debauchery would be worth. Regardless, this really sounds like an idea that you won't regret later in life Mike. Here's my list of reasons why this was doomed from the start.

1. The kid obviously didn't think of the stigma. Seriously, we all know guys love porn, but taking a porn star to prom is analogous to walking into the big dance with your dick in your hand screaming "I MASTURBATE OFTEN!"  We know, we just didn't want to KNOW. Next time, try B-List movie stars instead.

2. 18 year old boys won't be snickering behind her back,

 making comments, making rude gestures
 

or anything of the sort. Trust me. 18 year olds are SO MATURE these days. 

3. Some of his tweets were downright creepy. If you are a porn star and agree to this, you have to have some concept that you are not just going on a date with some cute kid. He's an 18 year old who plans to get a hotel room. While I'm sure this isn't the worst thing you have ever done...

4. The "cat" is already out of the bag. Seriously. Within an hour after Megan saying yes, I'm sure he had already seen 10 ripped porn star guys ride her like a rented scooter and blow loads all over her face. I did in 15 minutes (research people!) and man, I wouldn't even want to kiss that chick...all I would be thinking about was when Longrod VonHugendome blew a load down her throat in "Black Spear Volume 47". What could prom boy possibly have to look forward to? What could you possibly hope to do for her that hasn't been done in every conceivable way 57 times already? How do you impress a woman who can take a 12" cock with a smile on her face?

Don't tell me he just wanted to take her to the dance, that's bullshit. We all know why he sought out pornstars. Not that I blame him to some degree, I'm just saying I imagine seeing a pornstar in person is like seeing the underside of a snail stuck to glass. At first it's interesting, but as you get closer you realize it's the grossest thing you have ever seen...and mildly arousing.

You Are All Inattentive, Self Absorbed Assholes On Cell Phones.

This is not a new rant or news in any way, I'm sure, but the majority of Americans are self absorbed assholes on cellular telephones. Get off the phone and pay attention to the task at hand. DRIVE your car. PAY ATTENTION to your kids. LISTEN to your spouse when they are talking to you. GET OUT OF THE WAY in the store.

There is nothing that makes my blood boil faster than having my cruise control set, passing someone....then they shoot past me.....and slow down again....then I pass them again since my speed is set at a CONSTANT speed.......then they fly by me again.....and slow down. Look you fucking dipshitted retarded goddamn fucking douchbag morons, the REASON I keep passing you is because you lack focus. You are going somewhere between 60 and 90 mph in a 70 MPH zone. Why? Lets glance over and see what the problem is...yep....cell phone in hand, texting away. Look fucker, when I get in a car I have certain goals in mind. Chief among those is GOING SOMEWHERE. That's right folks, when I got in the car I had a destination and a time to be there in mind. YOU however cannot pull your brain out of facebook or email or whatever long enough to even maintain your speed? REALLY? Just get the fuck off the road. Really. I don't care how either, drive off the road into a ditch and crash and die, or just park at the next exit. Either way, get off the road you fucking dick. Roads are for driving.

The same applies in the supermarket. I swear to god I'm gonna get one of those small air horns and carry it with me to walmart, so the next time 5 of you are on the phone blocking the ENTIRE isle I can hit the horn.

I'm tired of being polilite. I have been dealing with the discourtesy of all you assholes for years. No more. I'm done. Air horn here I come.

Alumawallet Is Pure Shit. Save Your Money.

The Alumawallet is the biggest piece of shit I've seen since I was at the zoo last year, and there is some BIG shit at the zoo. Billed as "indestructible" by the company that sells it, nothing could be further from the truth unless they said it was made by elves at the North Pole from sunshine and baby kisses. It's not even made entirely from aluminum, it's a 10 cent plastic shell with double stick tape holding on a thin aluminum shell.

This thing is so shitty it makes turds (actual turds) pale in comparison. In fact if you had the alumawallet sitting next to a turd, and someone asked you to pick which one was the $10.99 alumawallet, you would point to the turd. No kidding. Fuck you Telebrands and your aluma-piece of shit.

I realize using a 12,000 pound diesel powered compacting roller is a bit excessive. BUT, you can't call something indestructible if it CAN be destroyed. Truth in advertising is lost on Telebrands on this item. 

Coming soon, the remains of the alumawallet will be shot.

New USA Steath Helicopter Revealed In Osama Raid

As an aviation enthusiast and American citizen I have always taken great pride and a high level of interest in how far aviation has come, how long we can keep a secret, and how far ahead of the rest of the world we can be at any given point. Example, the SR-71 Blackbird has origins dating back to the 1950's (!!!) and it was never even confirmed to exist until well into the 1980's! Same story with the F-117 and B-2, they were both operational long before any of us laid eyes on one. Our military can keep a secret folks, no doubt. That's great especially in the modern era of facebook and instant around the world communications.

So if you honestly think they are showing us even HALF of what we have available at our disposal, or that the latest laser weapon the Navy tested a few months back is the pinnacle, you better think twice. People have been saying for decades that a lot of the UFO sightings are probably our own advanced technology and to a certain extent I agree.

So, here's what I'm really excited about this morning. While it's unfortunate the USA appears to have lost a multi-gazillion dollar aircraft, pictures have surfaced of the tail section of this previously unknown helicopter. It obviously incorporates stealth tech in it's design. Some are saying it could be a descendant of the now canceled RAH-66 Comanche, but I say no. Even 4 of the RAH-66's would be way too small to carry in the reported 24 SEALS used in the mission, and definitely way to small to carry everyone out after they lost one helicopter.

So here's my hypothesis. What if we used active noise canceling like they use inside expensive aircraft to make the cabin quiet to cancel the outside noise of a heli? Combine that with existing stealth tech, ultra quiet rotors such as the ones Eurocopter is now showing off, hushed turbine engines like the B-2, and we may have the world's only real silent helicopter. How creepy would that be? That would explain how we got in with 24 guys and never even woke anyone up till it was too late for them.

So, go look around all over the internet and try to find a helicopter that matches the new pictures of the crashed one. It doesn't exist. Will it be 20 years before we know what it is? What will we be using by then that will be the new top secret war machine? If Eurocopter is publicly showing off quiet rotors NOW... it's probably old news to special military groups like the SEALS.

All I know is, this is why the USA is and will remain on top. When we need something done silently in the dark of night, we have the tools and the operators to make it happen.

Kudos to SEAL team 6 by the way. You guys are true American badasses. The irony of your job is that you may never get any open praise for what you have done, or even be able to tell your wife what you have done. Rest assured this American citizen is extremely glad you guys are on our side, and I thank you for your service. Great job guys.

Michelle Obama Did NOT Almost Die.

Holy crap did you hear Michelle Obama's plane almost exploded into a fireball of death the other day? I did! Given all the bad press the FAA has been getting, and being a pilot myself I did a little research. The story at most news outlets goes "The airplane carrying the first lady aborted a landing Monday after narrowly avoiding a collision with a 200-ton military cargo jet."

Now THAT sounds sensational. What doesn't sound sensational is the truth which is this. The planes were 3 miles apart instead of the required 5. I'm really amazed she survived being 3 miles away from another plane!  WHOOP. DEE. DOO. If that had been a flight any of us mere mortals were on this never would have made the news. These things happen all the time and I myself have been asked many times to do a go around or a 360 turn for separation. Big deal. Oh wait it's Michelle Obama.... let me rephrase... "OMG she could have been killed!!!!"

Three Funniest Things You Could Buy At Walmart

Last night my brother and I were chatting over a few beers, and I remembered some skit a comedian did about the three funniest / strangest things you could buy at Walmart simultaneously. Presumably the idea is to get a WTF look from the cashier and perhaps others. So we got to bouncing ideas around and here are the results...

• shotgun shells, condoms, and bbq sauce.
• Beano, Clown Make-up, and Captain Crunch.
• a car tire, a pregnancy test kit, goat cheese
• Trash bags, baby socks, and a map of Ohio
• Pigs feet, a blank greeting card, and monostat 7
• Incense, a bike pump, and a dvd of Saved by the Bell
• olives, ky jelly, and pickled eggs
• a goldfish, a wiffle ball bat, and an oil change
• Nair, A baseball cap, a chainsaw
• a youth athletic cup, starting fluid, beef jerky
• Playdough, a size triple D bra, an GI Joe action figure
• a hotwheels car, a ziplock bag, and warming lubricant
• WD-40, condoms, frozen burritos
• tinsel, celery, canned cat food
• an engagement ring, a BB gun, frozen shrimp
• ground beef, "Get well" card, new car scent spray.
• fishing pole, shampoo, an enquirer
• Catfish stink bait, Quart of motor oil, Gerber baby food peas in a jar
• Diapers, Car battery, Lawnmower
• Bikini, Weed eater, spray tan
• Pregnancy Test, Champagne, Wire Coat Hangers
• an ax, a book on how to save your marriage, and a shovel

From The No Shit Department- Auction Hunters On Spike Is FAKE.

I have watched a few episodes and though I'm new to the storage auction world, after a couple marriages, owning several businesses, and 35 years on this mud ball called earth I can smell shit a mile away, 97.4% of the time.

You, gentlemen, smell of SHIT. 

Why do they smell of shit you ask? Read on.

1. They always find gold. Not the element gold per se, but they pay $1 for a locker with $10,000 worth of shit in it. ALWAYS. I smell a setup or two.
2. Using a plasma torch to open a safe? REALLY? And they thought there was a gun in there to begin with! Anyone out there want to share with the class what ammunition does when it gets too warm......? Anyone......? IT FUCKING BLOWS UP! How the hell was that a good plan? It would have been a tad safer to employ the services of a skilled locksmith.
3. What do they do with ALL of the stuff? We only see them sell 1 or 2 gems per unit. They never even mention cleaning the units out or anything about the reality of the business.
4. They took a $650 truck with more waves in the body work than a fat girl's ass, did almost zero prep work, painted it with a broom, DIDN'T FIX THE ENGINE like they said they did and sold it for $6,000? Holy shit I'm in the wrong business. That truck was worth maybe $1,000.

NICE DIMPLY PAINT!

Here is the #1 reason why I say the show is fake. How the hell can you drive a truck with an inoperative cooling system home? Further, why the hell would you pay $6,000 for it?!!!??? This pic below was taken from the end of the show when the "buyer" (read that as "paid actor") opened the hood. I know the hose was off in the beginning too, but this was at the end when the buyer was inspecting the truck. 

Beyond all that, the main “character”, Allen comes off as an arrogant asshole. Just watching how he acts when he's selling something reeks of used car salesmanship and that whole “I'm smarter than you” attitude sucks.

There is no pot of gold at the end of the auction rainbow, only the smell of leprechaun farts and a hint of victory for a few hard working people who kicked the leprechaun's ass. This show is doing this whole industry a disservice and I feel pity for people who think this is a real goldmine full of easy money then want to go do it themselves. If you are really interested in this business, go get a reality check from Glendon Cameron at www.urbanpackrat.com.

Jesse James, Please Get Back To Business!

Seriously dude. What happened? It's been years since you did shit on TV worth anything. "Monster Garage" rocked, "WCC" (Whatever that show was called) rocked...unfortunately "Jesse James Is a Dead Man" was very predictable...but I digress... you are highly capable of GOOD TV...

So, what's with this Sandra Bullock thing..?

this Michelle "Bombshell" McGee fling...?

This Kat Von D fling....?

Man pull your shit together bro, you are making every man alive look bad and that dumbass look on your face in most press pics has got to go. Man up and build me a california emissions compliant chopper with a biodegradable wrapper on a show that you had weeks to produce but is so heavily edited it appears to have an unreasonably short time line to accomplish such a feat. Douche. Talk about a short drive down self-destruction highway.

The SMART car isn't.

I saw one on the road again this morning. I gotta say, every time I see one a few things run through my head:

• How fucking hard do you have to pedal that thing?
• How many hamsters would it take to power it properly?
• If it ran on "AA" batteries could I get by with a single 4 pack for the trip to work?
• Would a good tailwind propel it?
• If two people were inside, could they stick oars out the windows for propulsion and ride it like a canoe?
• Is it really worth looking THAT much like a douche to save gas?
• Can you keep your wallet in your pocket when you get in, or do you have to remove it to squeeze inside the car?

I just want to ram one so I can see how many times it will flip over from 70 mph before bursting into flames. I figure there has to be some redeeming value to these shitboxes and exploding in comic fashion may just be as good as anything.

What a SMART car owner thinks it looks like:

What everyone else thinks it looks like:

Bert From Sesame Street Is NOT Gay, You Homos!

I cannot believe how fast the gay community latches on to something as innocuous as a recent tweet from “Bert” saying: Ever notice how similar my hair is to Mr. T’s? The only difference is mine is a little more ‘mo,’ a little less ‘hawk.’

Apparently in the gay community “MO” is short or slang for “Homo” and some gay pop culture sites went ape shit and took Bert’s tweet as a secret coded message to the homos. Jesus Christ, give a homo an inch and they imagine a mile. 

A spokesperson for Sesame Street told Fox News that the writer meant nothing by it other than coming up with a fun way to shorten the word Mohawk, referring to Bert’s diminutive amount of hair.

Being gay must be like buying a new car. When you get that shiny new yellow VW Beetle and then all of a sudden, you notice the yellow Beetles that seem to be multiplying everywhere. That is the only comparison I can come up with that makes any send of this entire deal. Gay people find the word “Mo” in a Tweet from a Sesame Street Character and assume he’s gay….because that’s what they are looking for everywhere to justify or validate themselves.  This is fucking retarded. Why are they even paying attention to Bert?

Besides that how many homos run around with a haircut like Bert's?  Bert said it was “more mo”. Do you gays think he is representative of your kind? Bert is a puppet made of felt with no genitals… hey that actually sounds like some of you homos after all!

Attention homos. IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!!! I don't care what you do or who you do it with. Stop being retarded.

A Few Words To My Bosses About email And Ineptitude

Email is used to COMMUNICATE.

As such, when I send you fuckers one, please read THE WHOLE EMAIL and THEN reply. Replying after reading the first two lines, and missing 18 other items starts a ripple effect of never-ending emails to accomplish what should have been done in 1 email. Then the next thing you know, someone gets so bent they piss in the coffee maker, or they need therapy. Guess which one was me this week.

 Boss Hogg has no idea what email even is.

I swear to god I have no idea how these people made it to upper management that cannot digest an entire email full of important questions, then answer them all in one reply.  I have taken to sending 1 question per email, at least 20 minutes apart so I don't have to deal with re-sending the first email and asking the same questions over and over.

SLOW DOWN AND FUCKING READ! What's the goddamn point of email if I have to ask the same shit 7 times before I get an answer? You guys talk about how busy you are, well, you are creating that monster in your inbox all by yourself.

WARNING- Don't Use Your iPOD Software To Navigate Your Airplane.

Seriously, did I have to fucking tell you that?

I'm not even shitting you. I bought an ipod this week and the user agreement / license  had me laughing my ass off.  Yes, fuckhead I actually read those 4,000 page bullshit agreements because you never know when they might slip a little "we own your soul and will be connecting our computer to yours permanently to use it as a host for illicit activities." clause in there.

Most of this one was the usual bullshit. "we make no warranty expressed or implied....merchantability or fitness of purpose... blah blah blah."

Then came the part that made me snort beer out my nostrils. (Damn that stings)

THE iPOD SOFTWARE AND iPOD SOFTWARE UPDATES ARE NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES...

I really want to know what caused this disclaimer to be needed. Was Homer Simpson on duty one day, bored out of his mind and thought that if he used that shitty iTUNES software to control the core temperature of the reactor it might pulsate to the beat of the nearest Bob Marley tune? What. The. Fuck.  This is akin to buying a blender and having a disclaimer on it that reads "Warning this blender will not shingle your doghouse with pancakes. However, if you were driving your boat down the road and all four wheels fell off, what would you do for a Klondike bar?"

It gets better:

...AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS

Seriously. The first time I board an Airbus A-320 that says "This flight deck software  by iTUNES" on the side I think I will leap from the jetway to my death and save myself from the inevitable slow spiral to the ground  that is bound to ensue as soon as some asshole turns on his cellphone. As soon as Apple and Microsoft can make software for a home computer that wont crash and has 100% reliability and quadruple redundancy, we can talk about life and death applications. Speaking of death....

LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE iPOD SOFTWARE OR iPOD SOFTWARE UPDATES COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.

What team of lawyers got paid to write this disclaimer? Honestly. Who had to sit around and think of every ridiculous way someone could try and use this software? If I'm on life support, trust me it won't say "POWERED BY ITUNES"  Coors maybe...

What the fuck kind of overly litigious society do we live in where Apple has to tell people not to use a tiny piece of software to run life support equipment or fly a plane. This is beyond ludicrous.

Originally Posted  6-17-07

No More Crying In The Workplace

I want crying in the workplace to be like sexual harassment, Illegal. It has no place at work.
 

I have worked with women almost everywhere I have ever been employed. And similarly, everywhere I have worked I have seen a woman cry about her job for one reason or another. Look ladies, you want to be in jobs that are dominated by men, you need to "man up" a bit. Grow some balls. Take what you get. Buck up. Whatever other euphemism you can think to apply here, do that too.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch. If you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen, and if you can't work somewhere without crying when you have to be "talked to" then find a job at a beauty salon or spa where you can sit around with all your little bitch friends and natterknob all day about how evil men are.

 It's sickening to see a grown 45 year old woman cry over getting written up for poor job performance. If you can't take it either step up your game and do your damn job right or get out and find something new.

This article inspired by a woman I had to fire because she chose friendship (read that as, fucking) with a co worker over the good of the company and almost cost us $80,000 in losses that she chose to try and cover up to save HIM. See, men aren't the only ones that think with their sex organs. In the end they both got fired, one for being stupid, and one for attempting to cover up the stupid. Which was very stupid.