So I let the dog in the other night and she comes running in with that dumbass slobbermouth grin on her face, but stopping every 2 feet to turn around and try to bite her own ass.
At first I thought she had a bug bite or something, and then I saw IT. The biggest possible dingleberry in the history of DOG. It wasn't even as much a dingleberry as it was a complete 5 pound turd the size of a cantaloupe connected god only knows how far up her ass by about a thousand strands of grass and weeds that she ate the day before when she had an identity crisis and became a goat for 4 hours. Why did this dog choose to eat weeds? I dunno. Maybe she's giving up chasing birds and squirrels for a more eco-friendly vegan diet. All I can say is it may be eco-friendly but it sure isn't dingleberry friendly.
So anyway, upon laying eyes on the turd attached to the turd, I promptly chased her back outside. Since it was bedtime, I was ready to crash out. Courtesy of ex wife #1 I know that you are never to pull on anything sticking out of an animal's ass because you can accidentally pull the animals innards out. (Would that make the innards outards?) So I decided maybe a dog walk was in order to expedite getting my ass to bed, and the thing attached to the dogs ass unattached. I was hoping the turd would fall off, or the walking would make the dog finish shitting.
Out into the back alley we go, me watching my step for stray fecal matter, and the dog dragging her ass on the asphalt. Actually what the dog was doing was more like this:
- Take 2 steps and bite at ass Growl a little for dramatic effect.
- Take 1 step and bark at the imaginary THING behind you that keeps hitting you in the back of the legs. (thanks for the laughs killer)
- Drag ass 20 feet on pavement.
- Repeat.
Seriously dog, fix that shit before you come inside you doofus.
Originally Written 8/5/07
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