Voicemail Etiquette

This is right up there with my pet peeves about driving.

Voicemail use has become so retarded that most of the messages I get everyday range from mumbling, unintelligible muttering to downright enraging stupidity.  Here are the most common types of voicemail messages, categorized Drivel Domain style.

1) "Tolerable" The only kind of message you should ever leave involves the following components ONLY and takes about 10 seconds. Name, number (twice, slowly and clearly) and what the fuck you want.

2) "The Yeller" You know who these people are,  those fucktarts that YELL INTO THE GODDAMN PHONE BECAUSE THEY ARE DRIVING OR SOMETHING. THESE PEOPLE TEND TO LEAVE A 5 MINUTE LONG MESSAGE ABOUT NOTHING BECAUSE THEY ARE USUALLY OTHERWISE DISTRACTED. You know what I do with these messages after 1 second? "Press 7 to delete"

3) "No Reason" If I know you personally enough to have you on my call list, don't leave me this message. "Hey, it's me, call me" If I know the sound of your voice well enough to know who "me" is, you don't need to leave me a message! I'll see the missed call and call you back when I can, don't clog my voicemail with this bullshit.

4) "Ramblin" This is one that I hate so much I can feel a blood vessel in my eyelid twitching as a write this. You people that call me and leave me the following message should be shot straight into the sun aboard a rocket powered by your own hot air. "Yeah hey, It's Bill Schmuck With Widget Corp, I uh .. saw uh... your uh... ad online..... on that uh.... website (wow, you SAW A WEBSITE? nice job dickhole) and .... uh.... I was calling you....   (No shit? you are calling me? really? Is that why my phone rang, and I now have a message from you? BRILLIANT!) and uh.... I uh............ wanted to talk to you about uh..........."

This is where I hit delete. If you can't go more than 2 words without saying "Huh" "duh" or "Ummm", and can't get a decent voicemail to come out,  I don't want to do business with you anyway, and  I damn sure ain't waiting till the end of your 25 minute message to get your number.

Here's an idea, when you leave me a message... HAVE A POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the LISTENER! 

And another thing. This is more phone etiquette  than voicemail etiquette, but let me share something with you. When you call, if I don't answer the first time you call, leave a message if you can comply with type 1 above. DO NOT call back a second time 5 seconds later. Or a third. Or even a fourth. In fact, if you call back within 4 hours I consider that stalking and will file the appropriate paperwork. Because, if you call the first time and I don't answer, it could mean any of the following:

1) I'm busy

2) I don't like you

3) I'm shitting (unlike other people I work with who I hear simultaneously dropping off Lincoln Logs and talking about what to do for dinner, I don't answer when shitting)

4) I'm having sex

5) I don't like you

6) I'm busy, really really busy. Too busy to take your call. I'll call you back if I like you.

Don't call me repeatedly. It just ensures I will really blow you off. Dumbass. I heard the fucking ringer, I just didn't care. Or, one other minor point- my phone is not welded to my head and it's not solar powered. Sometimes it's on the charger, sometimes it's dead, and sometimes I leave it too far away to get to in 4 rings. Fucking deal with it. 

One more thing, if I ignored you in the past (probably because you left me a message like #4 above), and you leave me a shitty message like "Hey Skippy, I HAVE CALLED YOU THREE TIMES now trying to GET A HOLD OF YOU and you won't CALL ME BACK." Guess what? About the time you say you "called three times" in that shitty ass high and mighty tone- I already hit delete again. Indignity will get you nowhere bitch. 

Originally Posted 5.6.07